Saturday, October 29, 2011

Ranting of a crazy person about Just-in Beaver and Midget cops!

I don’t get the whole Just-in Beaver craze going on. You could say I am getting old, but I was young when everyone was fawning over “Backstreet Boys” and the “New Kids on the Block” and thought it was kinda over done then too. However, now with internet and our always on, always plugged in world, combined with billions of sheeple who are easily programmed to drink the cool aid served up by their corporate overlords, we have an even more inflated (or deflated) version of “celebrity” now. Apparently anyone can become a celebrity with the right PR firm behind them.

Are you a stupid as a pile of bricks Guido who can barely string together a sentence or comprehend much more than grunts and smells? Here’s a reality TV show, endorsements, millions of dollars, millions of fans, and God help me… book deals…. You may never have read a book before, hell you might not even be able to read, but draw some pretty pictures on your cave wall while grunting away at a ghost writer and BOOM you are a published author!

To evolved for that kind of show? Maybe you are serious breeder! Eight to sixteen kids or more and you get a show too! At one point in time these women were used as examples of what you would never want to become. Now they are looked up to and admired by teen girls who believe that their ticket to fame, fortune and everything they want is to breed like there’s no tomorrow and get on tv!

Not into destroying your body popping out a couple dozen kids or so? Then be a super hoe and let a rock star pee on you on video! Then turn those 5 seconds of fame into a reality show as well… Why not then hoe up the whole family and increase the fun!

Don’t wanna be peed on for fame and fortune? Do you have a rich dad or were once known for something no matter how small? Then how about just a sex tape which will then get “Stolen”. You can “fight” to have it stopped from being sold! Make a HUGE scene in the press over it while working out the distribution rights and royalties on the side. Maybe reshoot a few scenes if the publishers weren’t impressed by the quality. (Paris didn’t do it, but others have) Then parlay that small boost of public knowledge that you kinda exist in some form into a…. yup! REALITY SHOW!!

If that doesn’t do it for you and you are a guy who is a downright hairy bastard with totally lame facial hair you’re set too! That’s right “Whisker Wars” is the place for you. As the show site states “hair raising world of competitive facial hair growing”. That’s right! You get to follow these hairy buggers all the way to the grand competition in Norway!! Who knew there was such a “Sport” to begin with… and better yet, who really cared.

Reality TV is the bane of entertainment. Sure a few are ok… good even. But for every good “reality” show (which is more loosely scripted with untrained actors and shoestring budgets guaranteed to turn profit even if it bombs) there are about 100 really, really bad ones. What happened to good TV? Paris Hilton gets several shows and seasons by being stupid, annoying and pointless… Yet well-crafted shows like “Firefly”, “Farscape”, “Better Off Ted”, “Stargate” (any of them), and “Enterprise” (last season was great and finally found their feel) get axed!


Still back to that Just-in Beaver kid, or as he is known in the US “Canadian Jesus”. Personally I think he is one of the signs of the coming apocalypse! Maybe even one of the horsemen! Perhaps Pestilence or Death… After all, it is always the one you least expect right. Imagine how many boil covered, disease ridden, soon to be corpses would look upon him and say “Fuck me! I would never have seen that one coming!” as he strolled through town killing everyone through music and gay haircuts.

Personally if the apocalypse comes I want a zombie apocalypse! It would give me a chance to break open my “In case of zombie apocalypse” emergency kit again! I say again as when I lived in Toronto they have a yearly zombie walk that I didn’t know about. I managed to take out 20 or so before the cops took me down with a well-placed Taser shot to the nuts. Damn midget cop! I thought there were height restrictions! It’s like being taken out by a Gnome in World of Warcraft! One moment you are alone taking a leisurely stroll through the woods and the next you are dead and never saw what happened. Next thing you know a damn gnome mage pops out from behind a small rock and tea bags your corpse!

Anyway… Lucky for me a simple “Oops… My bad” got me off as it was an honest mistake.

Still good practice for the day it really happens. Though with my luck I will be at the damn mall or something else far from my emergency kit when it happens. It’ll be all “DUDE ZOMBIE!!” and I’ll be all “Wha.. *MUNCH* DAMNIT!!!” Be like in the movies and I will forever be known as “zombie victim #5” when the break out occurred. Or as it will be more commonly be known to our zombie replacements in the centuries to come “Graaaaaa mmmmmm naaaaaannnn errrrrrrr”

Monday, October 24, 2011

A Day in Moncton

Today I went for a walk around Moncton and did a little shopping. Here are some things I saw:

• Occupy Wall street has made it to Moncton now with the Moncton branch Occupying Main Street by the City Hall. Must say I was quite impressed by the sheer number of supporters that are diligently protesting for the 99%. There must have been at least 10 signs and one protestor! I suppose variety keeps things interesting for her. If you get tired with one sign there are 9 more to choose from! Granted there was a second person there as well, but I am not sure if they were protesting, visiting the protestor, or just waiting for a bus… Either way the Maritime revolution has begun! I went past twice today and only saw one or two people both times. Maybe the rest were in Timmy’s debating social injustice over timbits and coffee.

• Wandered through Sears and found out where ugly shirts go to die. Yup the Sears men’s wear department. Normally I like Pierre Cardin, but it seems like Sears only sells their “Senile Old Man” collection. Some of those shirts should be arrested for eyeball rape! I looked at a few where the colors and pattern were soooooo bad it actually made me dizzy and queasy just to look at it and move at the same time! Strangely though the shirts, which only the most fashionably disabled would wear while out for a fun filled night of Bingo and yelling at kids to get off their lawns, actually cost as much as higher quality Italian shirts! I am talking shirts with actual style and comfort. Shirts that don’t make you look like a reject from the fashion wars. Maybe Moncton needs more gay guys? Ugly striped dress shirts are bad enough. Plaid dress shirts are an abomination, but plaid stripped dress shirts!!! WTF!!! I saw one there that was a plaid stripped dress shirt with every ugly color imaginable in the pattern for $80. It was made of nasty feeling material and looked like an unholy aborted mating of a 70’s couch and drapes!!! It was the type of thing villagers in the Middle Ages would form a mob to hunt down and kill with fire!!

• Wandering through the mall I saw many guys with plaid belly. Basically those plaid lumberjack shirts that are warm and comfy (the only good plaid shirt), with two or three missing buttons allowing their large hairy beer bellies to hang out of the shirt and over their belts, while everything else is covered. Now personally I would notice this and do up the buttons or maybe get new buttons, but then again it is also possible the belly simply outgrew the shirt and now instead of getting a new shirt the guy just buttons as far down as possible and leaves the rest. “What you mean I’m fat! I am wearing the same shirt I wore when I met you! It just shrank a little on the bottom half…” That or they look at the other guys around here and say “Fuck it… I’m still hotter than half these guys.” Moncton does have a kinda welfaresheik style to it. Even people with money seem to wear clothes that look like they were handed down to them from a 70’s trailer park.

• While at the food court in Champlain Place some teentard was wandering around with his friends yelling “Ooooohhhhh Yeaaaaahhhhh!” for no apparent reason. I kinda hoped Randy Savage’s ghost would appear and bitch slap him, but it never happened. Hell I would have even settled for the Cool Aid dude bustin through a wall and taking him out.

• I also saw a 400lb woman eating half the food courts food and complaining to another even bigger woman (both in scooters) how her diet wasn’t working as she wasn’t losing any weight at all! The two women had so much food it took up two tables! It was all greasy fast food, yet they both were perplexed over why they weren’t losing weight! “I don’t get it! I barely eat anything at all anymore and I am still gaining weight!” “I blame it on the kids! My body just never been the same since I had them!” Really…. You sure it’s not the 4 large blizzards I see in front of you and the two trays of A&W each?

I like Moncton… Don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I look around and think WTF?